First thing you should do is probably have a good cry.

The second thing is to contact a good divorce attorney and take him for everything you can.

You currently have the house and the kids, right? And a car of your own?

If you have a joint bank account, it is possible for him to clean it out. Try to take some precautions against that. Make your February mortgage payment and utilities payment immediately if you can, also the car payment and any other running payments, such as health insurance. Buy 2 weeks worth of groceries and take out enough cash for day to day expenses for a couple of weeks.

Make that appointment to see an attorney Monday. He can also help you with custody of the children. Eventually you may have to split that but for now apply for custody yourself.

Good luck.

That is exactly what I did all day, have a good cry. As for the joint bank account he only put money there 'as needed' there was only $94 in there that I already took out $92 so he cant say that I emptied it out on him. He always pays all the bills from his personal account even though I always told him for years to put all the money in the joint and I would pay the bills or at least see what was being paid out and to who.

He owes alot of money to the IRS in back taxes, ALOT, and the credit cards I have with him one is maxxed out and the other has a little more to spend on it. He said he was going to continue to pay for the house mortgage and my car AND his new apt but I dont see how he can being as he was barely making ends meet before.

AuntCoffee are you in the legal field?

It sounds like you will have a hard time finding an attorney. All attorneys are not the same. A good one probably would not be interested in your case. It's all debt. Be very careful digging yourself a deeper hole.

You should contact the New York agency that deals with setting up child support for you. If you have some self-help groups available, use them to file.

The sooner you get on to the next step, the better off you will be. If you can work on finding work for yourself, do it. I know it seems impossible, but you can't count on anything from your husband and it won't do any good to expect too much from him. Obviously, he has huge problems or he wouldn't walk out. Try to make a healthy atmosphere for your children. You have to hope he will pay what he says he will. Tell him that you are setting up child support in case he doesn't if he learns what you are doing. Otherwise, hope he pays.

Look at every angle including bankruptcy, selling, moving, renting out the house - whatever. Don't get stuck on "I can't." The future will present opportunities.

If your husband sees you acting like you can take care of yourself, he will change maybe if you want that. Maybe he is overwhelmed and he will get a grip. Try to hold on and tomorrow could be better. Today, hopefully, will be one to count as the worst. At least, you are reaching out.

Here's a reality check. If you can prove to the IRS that the tax liability is not yours, since you said you gave up your career to be an at home mom. otherwise you may also owe back taxes. Second, you need to see legal aid and file for emergency custody and support. As much as it pains me to say, you may need to see how much room mom and dad have at home so the kids have some place to stay while you pound the pavement and go to work. Call your estranged coward and tell him to live in the house so he doesn't need an apartment - you get that amount if support. You need to cut all ties with him and what you had, like the house. You'll need to get an attorney and divorce him before his spending drags you done. Check with bankruptcy attorneys to see what you can do to get your name off of joint ownership of everything. If there's equity in the house, sell it. You have to stop crying and remember you have two boys that are getting more and more frightened because they look to you for help and sorry to say, they should be your biggest priority. Once you get them taken cared of, then finish your cry.

You should go to a lawyer who is respected in your local court and tell exactly as you told in your question. Pay the fees to the lawyer. It will be money well spent. Let the lawyer make all the decisions for you. Stay in contact with your lawyer all through the process. Don't let time go by wondering what is going on with your case. Keeping close communications with your lawyer is a very good idea. Do not try to handle things on your own.

Get a lawyer, file abandonment and have him served for divorce. He will pay maximum spousal and child support for the rest of his life! It is the law

I wish the people here who don't know what they are saying would think twice. You are dealing with someone who needs real help and she has no money. I am a lawyer. I know the law. Others are answering because they might get a few pennies. I just care if someone is hurting and I am trying to give the best guidance I can. Leave anger out of it.

I apologize for the idiots. And, I hope, you can see passed the b.s.

Thanks everyone. You have all said things that have crossed my mind all today while I was reeling from the shock of it all.

Yes I feel that he should continue to pay the mortgage and keep supporting his 2 boys and myself for giving up my career to care for them. At the very least until they are both in school so that I can look for a job while they are being educated. Just maybe that would happen in another state but what about in NY? My parent live about an hour away during rush hours, my mom works, I dont have the luxury of being able to leave them with someone I trust to find a job.

Do I have to really consider moving out of our home? Is bankruptcy really an option? Wouldnt that make my financial situation worse? Can the IRS really not hold me responsible for the money owed for 2 yrs of his taxes? Can a lawyer investigate his salary and what he spent the money on? These are things I have asked numerous times and never got an answer from him. He swears he spend the money on paying credit card bills but the amount is just phenomenal so he spent the money owed to takes PLUS whatever he earned in those years, I just cant phathom where it all went? How he could have mismanaged it so badly. I have stuck through with him through all of this and basically what it boils down to is mental abuse and abandonment for years since he is rarely home, he would leaveby 8am and come home from work at 11pm. He told me today its bc he was depressed and didnt want to come home to me he rather go home to an empty apt. I have thought that the long hours was him trying to work harder to pay off our debt and I told him that not to stress too much that we would get through this. I mean its a huge debt and I dont know how he did it but I tried to stay positive for our family's sake bc people do make mistakes. I felt that he has been overwhelmed and that put a strain on our marriage but how can he now afford a 2K a month apt and a 4K mortgage for our home and pay the IRS the montly back taxes? plus the new taxes coming up in april. He is just creating more debt and problems for himself and he told me I should be happy because he made me free to do whatever I wanted. I have two little boys with no one around to help me! I feel like I may lose the only home they know. I feel like the world that I worked so hard to create is just crumbling around us and the life that we wanted for our boys is going to turn to crap now bc I dont know where to go if we have to sell this home. My parents live in a small apt house and there is no room for me and 2 boys let alone our things.

I am trying to be strong for my boys sake and trying to do what will be best for them. My husband is a lawyer and does do some divorces. He has friends that are lawyers and only do divorces, so in that regard he might have the upper hand. That is why I am asking for help. I dont know where to find a lawyer and not all lawyers are created equal. My parents and sister will help with paying a lawyer for me if that is what it takes to get a good lawyer. Thanks DL for your legal advice and thank you everyone else for just letting me know that I am not alone and that there are others that think a husband should man up and not abandon his family, if not kids were involved it would be an easier situation. I cant tell even begin to tell you what this is doing to our oldest.

I honestly personally dont want him back after how easily he could walk out on us, mind you without even hugging or saying goodbye to his kids. But the best situation, even for him financially, would be to come back into the home and try to resolve this as adults rather thank him being a coward and abandoning us.

Couldnt sleep so pardon my long rant.

Hi HtBrkn,

As it happens I am still awake - it must be after 4 AM in New YorK?

There is clearly something wrong here - besides the obvious fact of his walking out on you. His secretiveness & your statement that there are large amounts of money involved makes it a distinct possibility he has been involved in something undesirable. This could be drug usage or gambling or ill-advised investments on his part. It could also be criminal behavior, or the cover-up of criminal behavior related to his work. Bluntly, he may have left to protect you, and if so you might do well to move to your parents, no matter how crowded.

It also makes it all the more imperative that you find an excellent lawyer to handle your own affairs. (And the statement that no good lawyer would be interested is a flat lie.) Your local bar association can provide you with a list of firms specializing in this field, and you can then investigate and interview further. There are laws regarding conflict of interest, you know. Some attorneys, especially women, specialize in divorce from the woman's point of view.

I also found a New York site offering a list of attorneys willing to do pro bono work - this might be a good start.

http://www.legalhandle.com/pro-bono-attorneys-New- York.html

You might also consider counselling for yourself, as you will have a lot to cope with both emotionally and practically. I urge you to get whatever help you can from your family or friends. Don't feel you have to go it alone. If you are a religious person - pray or meditate.

Good luck, and take care.

You can't throw good money after bad. I am right about hiring the wrong lawyer. People who think that will solve the problem instantly are wrong. You can't expect to hire someone without paying them more than it's worth possibly. Especially since your husband is a lawyer, you need to make sure that you are not making matters worse. Right now you need to file the initial documents for your case. Don't think too far ahead. The money that has been spent will work its way through later.

You can get help from your local child support agency. Getting that going is a certainty.

What the problems are - who knows? People shouldn't speculate.

So DLDonoho should I not get an aggressive lawyer to represent me? What do I do after I start the paperwork for child support?

If you came into my office, I would not take your case more than likely. I couldn't be paid enough up front to make sure I wasn't working for free very soon. If you were headed for bankruptcy, I would not see a dime more. Any good attorney would think like I do.

This thing about aggressive attorneys doesn't work. It makes more for the attorney or trouble for you than it accomplishes. If an attorney takes what little you could pay, fights like hell until that is gone, then you are dropped, you aren't better off and you just wasted time and money and you pissed your lawyer husband off who might not pay what he has said he will.

I think, if you see reality, you will see that your husband is offering what looks like a good enough deal to go down the road to the next step.

See if you and your husband can use a mediator and you need to open your case with the child support agency along with filing some initial documents with the court.

Be careful trying to accomplish everything at once and please don't go backwards. It looks ugly back there and you need to find some footing so you don't get into further financial trouble because your husband has problems. Don't make his problems your problems. Work on yourself and the court will be more likely to do a better job for you.

If your husband is known, then people talk and you won't need to say a bunch of nonsense. Have some class and you will be fine.

And, most of all - don't whine.

You do have rights. At this point you need to establish if he's going to take responsibility to pay the mortgage while you try to find a job. I would also contact the local child support office for help so you can start getting support.

Peanutbred, bumping this one for your attention. Thanks!